CHOPSTICK THIS, FOOL!

Today I am sick. I haven’t been sick in a while, and I don’t get sick very often (if I told you recently that I couldn’t do something because I was sick, the cat’s out of the bag — I was more than likely lying). Right now I’m stuck in that half-way sick phase where I’m ill enough to feel rubbish and tired, but not so ill that I can go to bed and not get up until I’m better. The brighter side of this is that I’m sick enough to sit on the couch and watch Battlestar Galactica all day long with a big tub of very bold ice cream (orange with chocolate biscuit, plain biscuit, fudge and marshmallows).

(via Take Your Body Back)

Anyway, I haven’t updated in a while, which is more to do with the fact that I’ve been busy enjoying myself. Trips to the park, cupcake picnics, pony rides, weekends away, joining a gym. It’s all been fun and games for me! Still, something happened on Monday that I felt like bragging about. While out to dinner with my boyfriend and his parents, I managed to eat an entire meal with chopsticks and my hand didn’t cramp up once!!!

(via Global Voice Online)

This is a huge step for me. I’m no stranger to Chinese food, but I am not familiar with Chinese restaurants that don’t give forks to the white people. My first ‘Oh shit’ moment with chopsticks was at a fast food place called Thai Express in Toronto last summer. I had literally just stepped off the plane and was super tired and super hungry. The food was excellent, but the eating utensils were clearly designed for cave people and impeded progress like nothing else. I eventually gave up because my hand got tired and eating one noodle at a time was getting frustrating.

(via Michael Tsen’s Saga)

About a week or so later, I was taken to a family dinner. Nothing formal, just a hundred or so aunts, uncles and cousins,

GYMTASTIC

So I joined my local gym. I’ll spare you the details on how I got a MASSIVE deal and will be slightly gaming the system when I leave for New York in November. Instead I’ll just tell you that it’s 800 meters away from my house. It’s really hard not to go to the gym when it’s that close and it’s quite enjoyable to just ramble down on a whim, instead of taking a bus or train.

There are good points and some bad points. I’ll start with the bad and then migrate toward the fantastic once I’m done whining.

Diet time!!

The past few weeks have been bat-shit crazy as far as food is concerned. I mean, there was a day where I ate a deep-fried, foot-long corn dog, a tray of deep-fried jelly beans, a jumbo slice of pizza, half a bottle of wine, some candy floss, a double bison burger and some deep fried Oreos. Sure, this was just one day, but it was one day in the middle of all of the OTHER ‘just one days.’

After the horrible colossal mistake that was “the carnival diet” (I actually gained 3 kilos in 10 days, according to Wii Fit), I decided I needed to nip that shit in the bud. Considering I’m practically allergic to running nowadays (we outgrew eachother), I decide any bud-nipping would have to be of the nutritional kind. I bought all kinds of vegetables and various different kinds of leaves and ditched all the white bread. I had good INTENTIONS.

Unfortunately, my sister arrived for a 12 day holiday a week into my healthy eating stint. This, coupled with the fact that the car broke down on the Tuesday evening and I needed pizza to feel better (her battery was sad and now she has a new one) means I didn’t even make a dent in the rabbit food. As in, two whole heads of lettuce damn near went off until they were recovered in a late-stage sandwich-making operation by my thrifty sister yesterday afternoon. Anyway, while my twinny-poo was here we literally ate like pigs. I’m talking, if we weren’t full to the point of feeling sick, we ate. One day we went for “hot dogs” (mine had two layers of chilli, bacon, cheese, peppers, onions, mustard, fake cheese and ketchup ALONG with the sausage) and right after, crossed the road and ate at a place called Buttercream. Let me tell you, if you’re at a point in your life where you’re eating lunch in a place with ‘Tubby’ in the title and eating lunch dessert (??) in a place with ‘butter’ in the title, you know you’ve gone too far.

(Image via Food Beast, and yes, this is a picture of the actual hot dog that I ate. It’s considered one of the more naked of dogs they do.)

Anyway, the nice Wii Fit board (read, HORRIBLE because you’re just never fucking good enough for Nintendo), told me yesterday that I’d gained MORE weight during that 12 day binge, so I ate leaves all day and I feel fabulous, and curiously, more full than when I was surviving on corn dogs all day. Well, not MORE full but a different kind of full. I didn’t want to vomit, poop, and die all at the same time. I just wanted to not move for a while.

I do miss chocolate, though. And this green tea stuff isn’t a patch on regular tea.

You know what will make it all better though?

Wait for it ….

….

My Cousin Vinny on BLU-RAY, BITCHES.

It’s okay to be jealous. It’s completely natural and it can only serve as inspiration for your own pathetic movie collection.

Sorry, I only speak nerd

As if pre-ordering a copy of the collectors edition of StarCraft II wasn’t enough to convince me that I’m some gross breed of nerd creep, it took until today for me to realise that sometimes the more basic way of saying things doesn’t really cut it for me.

Example:

Did you know the human brain cell can hold five times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica?

I did not. That sounds like an awful lot, sir.

Did you know that the storage capacity of the human brain is thought to be between three and 1,000 terabytes?

MIND.BLOWN.

*For the record, this actually shows up when you Google ‘mind blown.’

NUMA NUMA!!!

Today I came across a video I haven’t watched in bloody forever (Numa Numa). I remember sitting in front of my friend’s PC (probably when I was supposed to be in school) and nearly wetting myself watching this video. It’s not as funny NOW, but it’s reeks of ‘internet memories,’ along with the likes of Star Wars kid. Looking at this kind of inspired me to look through my other favourite YouTube videos.

Hypnotized Chair Sex

This is fantastic. I’m don’t quite know if I believe in hypnotism, but I genuinely don’t know if there’s that many people who would be willing to embarrass themselves by fucking a chair on stage.

The Truth About Sushi

I fucking knew it.

The Laughing Baby

Bitches Be Crazy!

The number one reason I am predominantly a cat person.

Why would you SAY that??

Have you ever seen a character in a movie fuck up so bad that someone has to give him a sly kick in the shin to make sure both feet aren’t actually in his mouth at the same time? Did you know that that happens in real life, too? For real!! Turns out movies aren’t completely make believe!

Years ago, I was with my dad and my sister and we decided to drop in on some family “friends.” I say “friends” because they invited us over a lot for special occasions, like Stephen’s Day dinner, and were amazing hosts (my dad and their dad used to “retire to the study” for whiskey and fine cigars after dinner) but I’m not sure were they actually our friends. It was just that feeling you get when you’re a kid, that you’re not sure why you’re going to see these people, because the kids are kinda of bratty and even your parents don’t really seem that into it. They were more friends-out-of-obligation; it was just a happy accident that they happened to be fiiiiilthy rich and really friendly. Hospitality and TONS of money make for great hosts. Even if you don’t really want to be there, you’ll have a good time anyway because the parents have all the best booze and the kids have all the best toys.

Anyway, we decided to call in one day, I’m not really sure why, but I think my dad wanted to see their dad about some book or something. So we roll up to the castle house, ring the bell and the lady of the manor answers the door. Straight away, we can tell there’s something not quite filthy-rich-and-friendly about her. She seems kind of disappointed to see  us, which is probably the most UNfriendly reaction you could have to people on your doorstep. She starts and finishes with: ‘Oh hello, guys! *fake smile* … … dotdotdot … ‘ Eventually, after what seemed like ages, she seemed to remember most of her manners, and halfheartedly invited us in. Unfortunately, she didn’t seem to remember the rest of her P’s and Q’s. Once we’d taken her up on her lacklustre offering and the door had closed behind us, we weren’t invited any further than the hall.

This is probably when I should explain that my dad has a really weird sense of humour and having grown up in a house with just my dad, and no mother to say, “John, that’s not appropriate! You can’t say that around the children!!” I have never learned that it’s not okay to be a complete wanker just because it’s funny.

Example 1:

Nicolas Cage’s Top 5 Hair-dos

This is a response to a post my brother penned about Bruce Willis’ moustaches.

I read a post over on SirJolt.com about Bruce Willis’ moustaches and the only thing that struck me was, ‘I can’t believe he hasn’t linked Bruce Wilis’ ever changing state of facial hair affairs to Nicolas Cage’s AWFUL hairstyles.’ It’s been said that you can judge how bad a Nic Cage movie is by how bad his hair is in that movie. It’s probably true.

Top 5 Nicolas Cage Hairstyles

[My boyfriend and I are having a mild disagreement as to whether these could best be described as "best" or "worst" hair-dos]

5. Raising Arizona

A movie with a full and lustrous plot and a folksy, funny-but-sad hair-do to go with it. It’s not quite stylish but it doesn’t have to be. The ‘chops, moustache and eyebrows round the look out quite nicely without overdoing things and this look’s impact is heightened by the movie’s ever-present bald and naked babies. It’s the hairiest he’s ever been.

4. The Sleazy Pervert

Nicolas Cage has had a lot of hair-dos but the Sleazy Pervert is a look he revisits often. I have no idea why, but I hope to sweet Jesus it’s not because someone told him it looked good. Perhaps it’s because he was at his hairest and best in Raising Arizona and thinks he can make up for the lack of all-over facial hair in length. This is not the case. He looks as awkward as a shaved cat. Naked but clothed in the worst possible way.

3. The un-Mullet

Nicolas Cage, the only person who can have a mullet without having a mullet. This look is questionable business practices in the front and lame 37th birthday party in the back.

2. The Rapunzel-style Widow’s Peak Cover up

This is an unreleased look for his upcoming movie The Sorcerer’s Apprentice. Apart from looking Like Gandolf and Rapunzel’s grown-up love-child, it does quite a nice job of covering up the fact that his hair line starts at his ears by employing the old, “part ‘er down the middle” trick. Too scruffy to be a magician, too wigged to be a homeless person.

1. The Faux-Fro

As seen in Adaptation, this is the kind of hair-do that only looks good on music teachers. Music teachers and people with weird jobs, like golf ball divers (for those of you who don’t know, they scuba dive for golf balls at the bottom of golf course lakes). I don’t think anyone ever thought we’d see Nic Cage with a dye-job, and a perm but without some CG or a wig to cover up that receding hairline. A work of costumery genius.

West Tentatively Approaches East

This weekend I’m going to my first Asian wedding and I am so confused. I’ve heard so many weird and wonderful things and I don’t know how much of it is bullshit.

As far as I know, he’s Chinese and she’s Vietnamese. I could be totally wrong about that but I do know there’s nothing white about this wedding. I don’t mean that in a racist way, I just mean it in a “I’ve never seen THAT before” kind of way. We play “rock the boat” and throw the bouquet, for them it’s all banquets and platters of money for the bride’s parents and red and gold invitations in Chinese. Scrolls! We actually got a scroll as an invitation. It was red and gold (and wood) with a cute little couple on the front.

Anyway, things were weird enough last weekend, when I found out my boyfriend’s ‘going to help out in the morning’ was actually him going to —

KETCHUP*

It’s is 11pm and it is 25 degrees. Does not compute.

Today is warm. Today is sunny. Today is sticky. Today is hot. To borrow hot-weather symptoms from my boyfriend, today could well be described as ball-stickin’ hot. I don’t know what that’s like but I imagine it’s like when your thighs stick together when you’re wearing a skirt and you’re sitting down only 10 times worse because you can’t slowly take a big step and peeeeeeel them apart.

Spiders, babies and Rorschach

This morning I had a dream that a massive spider was crawling on my bed covers. This wasn’t a tarantula or anything. No big, juicy body split into seven parts and fur everywhere, it was more just legs. TONS of legs. Everywhere. Spindly, black legs that were scuttling all over our olive green Egyptian cotton sheets (70% off at Winners, HOLLA!). The next thing I new I was scraping the blankets off and leaping out of the bed slapping myself. I don’t know what I said, but I must have said something because Marcus knew it was a spider thing. He was pretty confused, I think. I’m not sure did he think there was a real spider or if I said I THOUGHT there was a spider but either way, he thought I had been awake for at least some of it.

“How did you get out of bed so fast? You must have been awake or at least sitting up, right?”

No way. I was asleep. I do move THAT FAST when I am scared. I think the reason it freaked me out so much was because it happened between two other dreams so I thought that I was awake. It was just dream interval one second, GIANT SPIDER THE NEXT. It only lasted maybe three seconds at most and it was still was scary shit. But it was no where near as scary as the dream with the evil tooth fairy baby.